Do you ever wish you could sit down with a person who hurt you and explain to them what they did to you? Do you wish you could look at them and tell them how you get nervous when you see their car or see someone who looks like them. When you look at things on Facebook and they are nice enough to remind you of memories you had with that person and all you want to do is not remember what happen after that picture was taken or things that happened when no one was looking. You don't get jealous of the fact they moved on, you are angry not that they came into your life but that they left a mess for you to clean up. Broken promises and lies hurt. Making someone question their worth hurts. Yes I wish I could say to the person who hurt me that the damage he did will go away but it might not. How do you explain to someone that the thought of seeing them again scares the hell out of you but you know it is the only way you will get better, by facing him again. Granted when I have to see him again he won't be able to hurt me, I take comfort in that. Seeing him will help me heal the wounds that no one can see and dry the tears I dare not let anyone see. When you are a mom you have to find ways to hide your feelings when the kids are around. Sometimes you let a tear escape in the shower or when you hide in the laundry room for a little bit longer. When you are alone in a vehicle or thinking about things at night. I had a dream about seeing him the other night, I woke up with tears in my eyes and I was shaking. I am stronger than this, I have come to far to allow someone to have power like this over me. Now is when I need to dig deep and find my roar again and let it out! The good thing about a roar is that you never lose it you only misplace it for a short time. Here is to 11:11 wishes and finding your roar again!!!
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Let's face it no one wants to become a domestic abuse statistic ever. It happens and that is the reality of it. That is the bad news, the good news is that you can recover from it and become a stronger person from it. I would never wish the fear and pain that comes from it on anyone... ever... Not all abuse is physical, the abuse where the bruises don't heal can take a little longer to get past but in time you can move past it. Not saying you will ever forget it because you won't ever forget it. I am taking my situation and learning as much as I can from it. I am the type of person who needs to know things and somewhat know how things will play out. A great example is the DANCO (Domestic Abuse No Contact Order) I now have. I have been doing research on how it works and what happens when they violate it ( he violated it 2 times already ). I am working with some great organizations to help promote self defense for women and also working with some conceal and carry instructors to give myself more piece of mind. The truth is tigers don't change their stripes they just find new ways to hide it for a while. I made the mistake thinking he would never do anything to me, once again I was wrong. He never beat me up but the threats of violence were very very real. I still look over my shoulder and get nervous when I see a car like his but I hope with time it lessens. I have to find the inner strength to face him in court for the violations next month and the following month. I wasn't sure I could do it before because the thought of seeing him was a bit to much but then my I need to know side came roaring out and is stronger than my fear. I need to know for my own mental health what is going to happen to him because of the violations. I need to hear the judge talk, I think I just need to hear someone else say this was wrong and I am not bonkers even though I know I am not... I need to consciously make a choice to push my fear aside and gain knowledge from this so I can help others.
I often wonder what happened to real love, the true and genuine kind. Not the come in take what you can from someone and leave a huge mess for them to clean up at the end kind that seems to be so normal now. How is it that so many people think love is just a 4 letter word and you can say it whenever and think its ok to just mess with people? The truth is in the best quote I have seen in a long time.... "You didn't love her. You didn't want to be alone. Or maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love." That is the raw truth about so many people now. The art of love that our grandparents has been lost because of a throw away mentality. Not saying if you are in an abusive situation you need to stick it out because that is something completely different on it's own. Maybe my ex husband was right when he said I am not lovable, maybe I just don't care anymore because if someone can come into my life and wreck things why would I want it? I am better off single than being with anyone who thinks leading a conversation with asking to hook up is a good idea, or knowing someone has a history of destruction of others. You can't change them no one can. No one changes with out wanting to change, I have had to explain this to so many people and now myself included. Let it go people say, well that is a lot easier to do knowing you won't have to see that person again. I on the other hand can never do anything the simple way, nope I get to see him in court a few times before this is done. I will face my demon and in turn the healing can really begin. If I have learned anything from this whole thing other than real love may be a fictional thing now is that when abuse happens use your voice to tell your truth. Do not keep it a secret and allow the other person to make you feel less of a person and less valued. Never let anyone take your roar!
Truth be told some of our biggest lies we tell are to ourselves. We say things don't bother us when they do in hopes that at some point they won't bother us at all. We hope that someone who hurt us realizes they did something that hurt others but the reality is they might not ever say they did something wrong. I love to tell myself that it doesn't bother me when people move on after coming through my life and leave a path of destruction behind for me to clean up. My piece of mind is that I am doing right by myself by taking care of myself and healing the wounds left behind so I can be ready to dare to love again when and if that time comes. It is funny to me how it is a normal thing to lie to ourselves to try and make it better. Mind over matter I guess. I try to not let it bother me that I have to go to court soon for violations of an order of protection, yes the violations were stupid however it boils down to the fact some people do not have respect for others. If someone says leave me alone it doesn't mean test my boundaries. If someone asks you to stop doing something just stop especially if you claim to love them. At the end of the day I will keep saying things don't bother me and nothing can shake me all the while I tear up when no one is looking and shake after moments are over. Maybe it is adrenaline from fight or flight or maybe it is something else no one will ever know because I won't tell. I have too keep my head up shoulders back and not let the world see things bother me because I have kids watching me and they need me to be strong for them.
Forgiving yourself after something happens in your life that makes you question yourself is probably one of the most challenging things you will ever have to do in life. If you are a victim of abuse don't think of it as being a victim. If you have victim mindset you can't forgive yourself for putting yourself into that situation. People say why don't you just leave, why not kick him out. If it was that easy and there was no fear many things would be different. Forgive yourself for not getting out earlier, forgive yourself for allowing someone to say the things they said. As long as you learn from it then it is nothing to be sad about. Learning is hard especially when it hurts so deep somedays it hurts to breathe. By allowing yourself to forgive yourself for things that gives you some of your power back. You start to take your power back then your abuser starts to lose power over you. Prayer and meditation help a lot with the healing process. I find that writing things on a piece of paper and then burning the paper outside helps release the hurt. It doesn't happen overnight but you will be surprised how quickly you will start to feel better as you let things go. Imagine seeing a cord between you and whoever hurt you, cut that cord in your mind. I feel like a lot of people who are in abusive situations blaming themselves, it is not that easy to get out you need to forgive yourself for it. I personally blame myself for staying in a situation that was dangerous for to long in hopes that the person I met in the beginning would come back. The good news is that you will love many people and just because one ended badly doesn't mean they are all the same but it is important you learn from it or history will repeat itself over and over until you learn.
Let's face it plan A doesn't always work, thank God for the rest of the alphabet!!! My life is crazy most days I have back up plans for my back up plan because I have learned the hard way more than once always have a backup plan. Back up plans are only frowned upon in relationships well unless your my ex then its a different story hahahaha! I digress back up plans are necessary to be able to deal with anything life wants to throw at you mainly because you can't dodge it all. Imagine the fear single moms feel having to worry about things like if you can save your house because of something your ex did or didn't do in many cases. I know a few people in this situation and it is beyond hard. They still get up every morning and take care of the kids, the house and manage to get to work on time and still slay at life. Plan B isn't just a birth control pill ( which by the way I think is silly but that is just me ) it is a way of life for the people who have had life hurl so much at them it is hard to breathe someday but they still get it done. I tell everyone I meet that no matter what is going on if you give in to the fear you let others win, stand up and fight no matter what! You either win or your learn either way you come out a winner in the end. Life gets crazy but it is true it is never more than you can handle you just don't know it yet! Make sure you make 11:11 wishes, you never know when it will workout!!! Stay positive and grateful everyday and good things will be drawn to you!
If no one else will say it I will. It is ok to be tired, stressed or scared. It is ok to not be ok. But it is never ok to give up no matter what your current situation is. I could say a bunch of cheesy quotes to give you warm fuzzies but I won't do that either. What I will do is remind you that Rome wasn't built in a day and good things take time. Blah blah blah right! It is ok to get mad or scream when things go wrong but it is never ok to just give in and let life go right over the top of you. Stand up and fight even when you think you have nothing left, you fight. Life is a crazy beautiful mess we all get to experience don't waste it by giving up. If one thing doesn't work find a new way. Things end and begin new all the time. Jobs, relationships, marriages, friendships, money comes and goes but no one can take your inner roar. It sounds a lot more simple than it is because emotions get involved and make things more complex than needed sometimes. Let yourself feel emotions but don't let them run you. I had someone I didn't really know tell me the other night he thought I was a negative person. Ok he was drunk and I wasn't allowing this little man with the class of a bridge troll speak to me in a nasty way so I blocked him. Simple solution to something that I could have let drag on. It is ok to cut your losses and move on when someone is trying to drag you down. You don't need it in your life! Being nice is only good when people are matching your mindset.
Happy Sunday!!! I wanted to write about the power of prayer and God's greatest gifts that you might not receive in life. I think it is funny when people tell me how I am not religious because I don't go to church and I don't even know where my bible is in my house. Not the end of the world people trust me. I think it is funny when people say that because I pray all the time. I pray for my kids my family and friends heck I pray for people I don't know. I am also grateful at the end of the day for the unanswered prayers I have received as well. Think about it maybe you weren't really ready or there was something better out there for you waiting. Timing is everything in life. You win or you learn there is never losing in life because the lesson you get from it makes you an automatic winner and I guess in a way that is your blessing. I am not saying don't fight for what you believe in or give up on what you need most in life what I am saying is sometimes it is ok for Jesus to take the wheel and guide you because even though it is the longer way around it is the best route for you. I was looking at drafts of blogs I wrote before and never published them, there was one I wrote at the beginning of my last relationship. Yes I read the whole thing and it made me sad that I thought it was going to be ok and it wasn't but that was my lesson. Always trust your gut it is God speaking to you telling you to listen.
Everyone wants to feel safe, wither it be in life in financial state or just location. The scariest thing in the world is when you loose that feeling and you have to fight to get it back. It hurts when someone robs you of that feeing and you struggle to find it again. I have heard from many people who feel this way and I always wonder what can be done to fix it. Orders of protection are great but they are only a piece of paper that can help you after the fact but not necessarily in the moment. Do you buy a gun, knife or learn how to defend yourself? Do you move and hope the feeling returns someday? How do you get the feeling of being safe back quickly? I watched my daughter cry last night because she is afraid of her ex boyfriend, that killed me inside. The best I can do is make sure I find my feeling of safety back and hope she sees that and feels a little better. I am angry that I feel like I have to buy a gun to feel safe in my own home after everything that I have been through. As a woman and a mother you have to find ways to make a house a home and sometimes you need to find your redneck mama side and let that flag fly high! Safe is a 4 letter word and I plan to make it a household word again very soon by taking it back.
I am all to familiar with the phrase life isn't fair, no one ever said it was supposed to be hence that is how we learn. As a mom I never wanted to learn how to help my daughters through extreme things like abusive relationships or sexual assault. But guess what there is a higher power with other ideas. So yes I have to suck it up and deal with my own stuff privately and stay strong for them. Never in a million years would I think I would have to be in close contact with prosecutors for not only myself but for my daughter as well. I won't go into details but I am very happy that something horrible can cause my ex husband, his wife and myself to finally act as a team. From tragedy comes triumph! I never want to be in a position to have to explain to my children they are not at fault for something someone else did to them. But rest assured if it happens again which I pray it doesn't, I will be right there every step of the way.
I am very grateful for the tougher laws Minnesota has for people who are abusers. I finally was able to write my victim impact statement the other night. It took me a while to be able to put into words how it made me feel and what kind of an impact it had on my life. It is not fair to be afraid to leave your house during certain times of day or having to consider getting a new vehicle so you can feel more confident that if you are near someone that you might not be spotted as easily. But the truth of the matter is this is how you grow and learn and discover new strengths you have. What I went through and what my children went through could have been a lot worse and for that I am grateful. It is time to heal and help my kids heal from everything not just what happened to me. I can only hope that someone will read this and know there is hope and even though it is scary there is help and you are never alone even when it feels like it. |
AuthorThis blog is a random journal of both Tracy waiting for Mr. Right to show up and just great advice based a lot on what NOT to do while dating! Archives
August 2018
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