There are days that you just want to scream knowing full well it won't change anything. Maybe it's just because I am tired that I feel this way who knows. I just know it makes me want to scream that I know what I want and yet know I can't have it because you just can't make someone else feel something they just don't. I am to the point of losing faith that it will ever happen when I crave the moment to hear someone call me babe and to feel his soft touch on my skin. I want someone who wants me, there are people who ask me out but I need to feel that passion, that fire we all long to be standing in for the rest of our lives. Someone who isn't like the rest someone who isn't afraid to say how they feel and someone who knows that if I take time to talk to you for longer than 5 seconds you must be special because not many people get that distinction. Yet I find myself losing hope for it to happen longing for it to happen all the while. I focus on work and business as much as I can because they help keep me grounded and it makes sense to me, love does not at all not even a little. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be like this but on the flip side I wouldn't go back to where I was before ever again so it doesn't change things but a heads up would have been super duper.......
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Dear no one,
I wish for someone to look at me at see someone who is not perfect but see someone who is perfect for them. I would love to find the person who I can break down in front of if I need to and not feel bad if it happens. I would love to find the person who can look at me and know I am not ok even if I say I am and they know when to just be quiet and hug me tightly. I hope for someone to want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them about everything and nothing all at the same time for hours on end some days and then we can have days of happy quiet times just being near each other too. The person who is patient with me but wants me all the same, the person who can appreciate the beautiful mess I am and know I try hard and I love beyond reason if given the chance. All I ask is for that person to be good to me and know even if I need my space I am not going anywhere. Someone who doesn't want to be stolen can't be stolen right??? Hey everyone I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading the Dear No One Diaries and everyone who supports Cool Chick Radio! It all started as I began my journey to finding myself again and moving past a very challenging marriage 2 and a half years ago.I have learned a lot most of it admittedly the hard way and sometimes the lesson was put on replay so it would get through my think head. My goal for this now is to help other people get through their tough times as well, I have been to hell and back but thankfully we are all healthy and I know there is nothing I can't make it through. Please feel free to share this blog with all your other beautiful disaster friends so they know they are not alone! It's not always easy to keep your head up when you feel like the world is crashing down around you but always remember that tomorrow is another day! If love hasn't shown up yet its ok because they always save the best for last and sometimes it takes a while for the perfect person for you to find you at the right time. Love life and it will love you back - hugs to everyone out there being hopeless romantics wishing for the right person to show up at their front door so
I have been plagued with a question for a while, something that haunted me for a long time that my ex husband said to me. I was informed that no one will ever love me for longer than one night because I am not a lovable type of person. I know its silly to let something like that get to me and that it only takes one person coming into my life to prove that statement wrong. Maybe that haunts me in the back of my mind even today because I wonder if it could be true, I know I am not the only person who has ever felt that way or wondered that too. Its mean to tell someone that no one will ever love them and its not true. Maybe that is why I push people away when they get close to me. I know everyone says to just let it go but when no one has really proved it wrong how can I totally let it go? I know it's not true but of all the obstacles I have over come that is the last one that haunts me still. I know I am lovable but I wonder from time to time if anyone else will see it too. All I can do is keep my head up and keep going knowing someone somewhere will look at me and see what no one else could see. I am personally in a far better place since the day I found my roar and said no more and if I can help someone else find their roar so they can find their true path that would be all the better. The lesson I take from this whole thing is people can say anything they want to it doesn't make it true you have to believe that you are lovable and worthy of love for someone else to see it to. Words cut deep and leave scars no one else can see we just need to find our own way to fix them while remembering what the scars taught us along the way and learn from it so it doesn't happen again.
I wake up most mornings with the mindset that something wonderful is going to happen each day and I pray for good things every night before I go to sleep. I had the thought last night that I don't know if I remember what it feels like to sleep next to someone. I am actually proud of that in an odd way because I am ok being single and I don't need to have someone with me to be happy and move forward with my goals in life. Now at some point I hope and pray to find someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them and then perhaps then I can be reminded what its like to wake up next to someone again. I don't think many people look for someone to wake up to because they are so busy looking for someone to sleep with which to me is sad. I am guarded when it comes to getting close to me but life is a beautiful adventure that should be shared with someone who actually cares about more than just what they can get from you in a moment. We all have wants and needs but its what you do with them that sets you apart from others.
What would life be like if we let go of something wonderful that happened in the past that we now trap our selves with because we were afraid it would never happen again? Would you be able to look at someone new with fresh eyes and not hope they were like someone else. Would you be able to live in the moment and open your heart to someone new then? What if everything you have ever wanted and more was standing right in front of you but you were being held back by fear that it wasn't real? Perhaps in the journey we are all on one of the lessons we learn is to let go and take chances that someone could have shown us the love we long for but someone new can show us forever..... The only regret we should have is the chance that was lost along the way, or is it just a matter of timing? The only thing we can do is try right??? I thought long and hard about the idea that we hang on to someone from the past because we are afraid that it will never happen again, then I posed the question to myself.... What if there is something better than that for you and they were just here to show you its possible? Better yet what if loving you was the lesson someone else needed as well? Maybe just maybe every heart break happens for a reason and sometimes its not your lesson to learn but theirs....... If you had no fear in love what would you do?????
No one has ever said being a single mom was easy, heck I knew it wasn't going to be easy the moment I choose this route but I will never regret it for one second ever! My kids always come first and everything I do I do for them like any other mom out there. Being a mom first means I can't always go out when I want to because sometimes they need me more than I need to go out. Being a mom first means having to look at the big picture and decide if something is good for not just myself but all of us both long term and short term. Yes I have 4 kids and I am so incredibly proud of them all everyday. I see so many single moms out there who rush into relationships just to be in one but really whats that showing them? I am perhaps a rare breed of single mom who believes protecting my kids and trying to make things consistent is the right way to go. I don't bring people to my house when the kids are home heck who am I kidding it's rare I even tell anyone where I live and stay with me here yeah I don't think so yet. To the men who are freaked out because I have 4 kids clearly you are not understanding you would not be in my life for them but for me. Around my dinner table we talk about Illuminati, conspiracy theories, school, etiquette, and the bible to name a few subjects if you can't handle that I suggest you not even try to join us. I have been told that me having 4 kids could cause someone to be embarrassed or intimidated which I think is the silliest thing ever but I guess I get it being around 4 extra people might not be ideal but tell me a time that is always ideal. I know the right person won't see them as a road block but as a bonus because every child is really just a bonus to life and not everyone has that privilege. Happy Mother's day to all the mommies out there and the daddies doing double duty as moms too its not easy but its SO worth it!
The reality of it all is a lot of the things I wish would happen for me probably won't however anyone reading this can make it happen for someone they care about and possibly make them fall for you so here we go! Text her good morning beautiful, or text her good night. Kiss her like you mean it not like you are not paying attention. If she is wearing a bracelet or ring, play with it or try it on to make her laugh. Brush the hair away from her face and tell her she is beautiful in a way she believes you completely. Make her laugh and remember the simple things like picking a flower for her. Talk to her about everything and nothing just simply talk we love it! Tell her stories but make sure to ask her about her life too. Hold her for no reason other than to just be close to her. Look at her like she is the only woman in the whole world. If she is upset don't get mad just let her talk she doesn't want you to always fix it sometimes she just needs you to listen. Whisper at the right time that you love her, no need to yell it because she is the one that needs to know it not everyone else right away. Don't hide her from the world but you also don't have to put her on display for everyone either. But most of all be consistent, find your stride and stick to it. Once you have her please don't stop trying or someday you might lose her. Words are just words until there is action to back it up, if you care about her show her don't just tell her. Like I said I have come to terms with the fact I may never be in a relationship again and if thats how its supposed to be then so be it but if I can help someone get closer to love then I am happy!
The more I think about things the more I realize that I need to be grateful for everything I have been through, every time someone broke my heart, hurt me or kicked me when I was down. You all made me the person who I am today like it or not. I have learned that not everyone will love you the way you hope. Not everyone will do for you what you would do for them. But most of all I learned to hang on to the good and let the bad go once I learn from it. Don't rush things let them happen when they are meant to happen even if its not when you think it should. I have learned that little things matter much much more than anyone will ever tell you about. Some of the best moments in your life will be the ones you can't tell anyone about oddly enough. I hear the words from my mother ringing in my head "If you ever wonder what to think it's in his kiss." Thanks for the song quote hahaha!!! But really some things don't just happen in movies it's rare but there are times when movies become reality in the best way possible the only thing we can do is wish that it never has to end! At the end of the day all you can do is just be yourself and hope that at some point someone sees the real you with all your invisible scars and knows that you are the one who makes sense in their life and they want to grow old with you as much as you want to grow old with them so you can create your own happy ever after..........
I am not sure having quiet time for me is a good thing necessarily. I become observant when I do but it reminds me of who I am what I want and what I don't want so maybe it's ok. I see to many people treating marriage like a business deal, he will buy me this she will do this for me. That's super duper but what about love, passion and not wanting to be without that person for the rest of your life? Perhaps my first marriage taught me a lot about stuff both having it and losing it all. Been there done that have the bankruptcy papers to prove it. If I can give a bit of advice to those in a relationship or wanting to be in one long term ( hit and run fans this isn't for you ) Look past the stuff look past the big day because it is only one day not the rest of your life! If the person makes you smile when you are down, makes you feel safe when you need to feel safe and there is the undeniable passion between you ( not angry sex the long slow kind ) then it could be the right person but if its just think about what happens if you lose all the stuff or what if you can't have a huge wedding would you still feel the same? I know I want to find someone who values the little things and someone who will never stop trying to put a smile on my face. I want to be with the person who I wake up next to everyday with a smile on my face not the person who I contemplate making pancakes for breakfast or a pillow over the face. If you just want more stuff work harder and buy it yourself if you want forever find the person who will have your back if the stuff is gone!
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AuthorThis blog is a random journal of both Tracy waiting for Mr. Right to show up and just great advice based a lot on what NOT to do while dating! Archives
August 2018
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